Expressing one's self

It is so amazing to be able to express yourself clearly. To be able to use words that convey the exact meaning of what you are thinking and feeling.

I have heard this so many times. I used to live by this statement all through my naive college life. I had someone then who made me believe that I was understood. Don’t get me wrong. If you are the one who understands another person or are being understood by someone else, good for you. Just that for me towards the end of it all... I said so many words expressing exactly what I felt that the intensity of it left itself redundant. My expressions were left redundant.

I couldn’t understand it then and a long long time after that. I always believed and to an extent believe it still that I am bad with words. I was told to improve on it; told to express myself more often, without restriction, without any prejudices. I did. It didn’t help.

I was never trying to be a poet, a writer, a literary expert. I just wanted to be understood. I was told to be clearer, more precise. I tried. I guess I tried so hard and so often that the words itself lost its meaning. How would you tell someone more clearly that you are lost, but by just saying you are lost. How clearer can one get with words asking do you love her but by plainly asking whether you love her... I was lost then. But somehow, I could never get anywhere with certain people. I guess I was too complex then. I guess I was with the wrong people then.

Over the period of time in this drive to express myself better I stumbled upon something very beautiful. Silence. The beauty of this is that from this urge to be understood I somehow landed up understanding people. Obviously this simple realisation did not dawn me easily. It took a lot of blank stares from people I believed understood me to a whole array of foot in mouth moments. In both the cases I just looked back and wondered where did I go wrong. I did not see it then, I see it now. Silence is what was missing.

We lay so much emphasis on saying the right words at the right time that we forget to mention the silences at the right time. Everyone around me wants to be heard. I was one of them trying too. But now I want to listen it all out. Listening is so much more difficult when one has so many right words in their heart and so many exact meanings to what they feel. Fortunately/unfortunately for me that was never an issue. And the irony of the situation is that people have started understanding me better with my silences than my words (mostly it is the respect for the unknown). It’s a power beyond explanation and I am exploring it more.